Worry Not

I have been fortunate to experience mostly worry free pregnancies. During my first pregnancy there was a little bit of concern about how my heart would handle the extra strain, but everything progressed normally and it turned out perfectly. I felt confident that I would bring home a healthy full term baby each time. I never drank a glass of water and laid down on my left side after eating dinner to count kicks. I never went to a doctor's appointment expecting bad news.  

So many times during my pregnancy with Eirlyse I had the impression that I should enjoy being pregnant, really enjoy it. As I first noticed changes to my body I felt happy to be changing. Each ache and pain I felt I was reminded that I should enjoy the journey. At some point along the way I started assuming it was probably because it might be my last pregnancy. Both Tyler and I felt that this little one may complete our family. So enjoy it I did. I felt amazing, beautiful and strong. I didn't mind the growing, even though I had worked so hard to make the opposite happen over the year before I got pregnant.

Looking back I wondered why such a perfect pregnancy had ended so early and abruptly. This led me to wonder how it would have been different if I had known something tragic was in my future. I even felt guilty that I hadn't worried more. I really didn't worry, not even a little bit, about her. I felt so calm and confident throughout the whole pregnancy. I don't ever remember doubting that all was well. Why should I? Each ultrasound showed a perfectly healthy baby and I felt great. 

One day as I felt bad for not worrying more about my little angel, I happened upon a quote by one of my most favorite authors and figures in history. Corie ten Boom was a woman of amazing strength and faith. Her words always inspire me and when I read these words I felt immediate peace: 

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 
― Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

This is why I was blessed to not feel worried during my pregnancy. I could have spent the entire pregnancy worried about my baby and what might happen, but it would not have emptied the day she left us from it's sorrows, it simply would have emptied the days I did spend with her from their strength. Strong is exactly how I felt while I carried her.

Now each time my anxiety tries to get the better of me, each time I worry that something bad could happen to somebody else that I love, I remember that quote. Tomorrow will come, and it may hold joys or sorrows, but today I can be strong. Today I can choose to enjoy the gifts that life still holds for me and let tomorrow be what it will be. I feel strong because I have faith in myself, my Heavenly Father and the people that love me, that no matter what sorrows tomorrow may hold, I will make it through. I cannot let worry take that away from me.

Easier said than done, trust me, I KNOW! Tragedy and grief have changed me, and I worry more than I ever have before. Someday I hope to experience pregnancy again, and just the thought of it right now brings me anxiety wondering if somehow I am marked for tragedy. The list of things I worry about gets longer every day, and if I'm not careful it has a way of consuming my every thought. I cannot change my past; it will forever affect the way I view the world. I am all too aware of the sorrows tomorrow might hold, but they will hold them whether I worry about them or not. All I can do is live each day with as much strength as I can muster, and worry robs me of that strength.

Me Feeling Strong