I have read quite a few articles and blog posts about what to say, (check some out: here, or here) and what not to say to a grieving mother, but what about the times when you need to share something with them that you know will hurt?
An experience shortly after my loss made it obvious to me that many felt very uncomfortable sharing their happiness around me. Sadly, it was to the point that I ended up feeling excluded from their conversation while I was still right there with them. I do not have hard feelings towards those that were involved because I realize that generally in similar situations in my past when I was around others that experienced loss I didn't know what to say and ended up awkwardly avoiding certain topics and conversations. I have learned so much through my experience and I don't expect other's that have not had to journey through this storm to understand all of those things that I'm just beginning to get.
If you know me well you are probably aware that I generally do not wear my heart on my sleeve. I do my best to appear ok whenever possible and feel pretty uncomfortable getting emotional in front of others. Some call this strong, it's not. I consider it a serious weakness. If I could get past it I could share so much more of myself with others and that would probably be a good thing. Because of this many find it hard to read me and know what I'm thinking and feeling. It also probably makes it seem like I'm totally cool hearing about all the new babies constantly coming safely home. Please do not take what I'm saying to mean that I don't want others to have that! I would never wish the pain I have experienced on anybody, EVER! I want people to be happy and joyously experience the wonder of parenthood. I know that joy, I have my precious little boys upstairs asleep right now, and when I just peeked in on them, it made my heart swell and eyes tear up. It is absolutely amazing. The only reason hearing good news causes me pain is that it does a really good job of reminding me of the baby girl that is NOT upstairs sleeping in her crib, or snuggled in my arms, or crying through the night and causing me sleep deprivation. So should you not mention these things to me? I don't think that is a reasonable solution. Instead I want to share a few ways to make that reminder a little less painful and maintain your relationship with loved ones that are going through infant loss.
- If you recently found out you are pregnant and need to tell a grieving mother, try to make it private. Do not bombard the poor woman with a great big family gathering and smugly cute pregnancy announcement, but definitely don't try to keep it from her! You may decide to tell her in person in a quiet private place, or over the phone, or maybe in writing. For me, any of these options are ok, and chances are I will be able to show my happiness for you for at least a few minutes, but may need an easy out after a bit to be alone with my emotions.
- Don't be upset if they don't seem happy. For a newly grieving mom, happy is foreign, awkward and may even feel wrong. Let her be authentic. If she gets teary and simply says congratulations, let it be. It's what she can handle.
- If you are having a baby soon or just had a baby and somebody close to you experienced loss, tread lightly. Don't anticipate that they will be anxious to hold your baby to help heal their wounds. They may not even want to. However, holding your newborn may be exactly what they need. Give them the opportunity to if they would like, but be sure to not push their comfort level. I vary almost daily on my emotions with this, and somebody dear to me recently had a baby. She lovingly knows that I have days that I want to hold and snuggle her baby, and days that I'm ok keeping my distance.
- Talk to them about their baby! Ask sincerely about how they are doing, and show them that you really do want to hear the real answer.
- Don't exclude them! If they do not want to be a part of the conversation they can get out, unless they are physically trapped, like in a car or something.
- Try to avoid complaining too excessively about pregnancy or child rearing woes, but be real. Something that got tiresome for me was people complaining about being almost to their due date and not having the baby yet. I've been 40 weeks pregnant twice and would give anything to have made it there that third time. It's not the most comfortable state, but it is likely better than the alternative. Full disclosure-- 40 weeks pregnant is not miserable for me at all. Sleeping is tough, but I feel generally pretty good. Other things didn't bother me because they were less applicable to my situation, so know the person's situation and find out what is the hardest thing for them to hear about. How do you do that? Ask them!! I LOVE when people ask me if I'm comfortable talking about certain topics. It puts me in the driver's seat and lets me steer the conversation in a direction that is best for me.
Ultimately, be kind and caring. Sometimes people say stupid things, but when the intention was kindness it's sometimes better than saying nothing at all. Don't hide things because you think it will hurt them. Exclusion hurts badly too, so trust those dealing with loss with your happy news, rather than pushing them away. Grief can cause a pretty intense feeling of isolation. I would rather have friends that are pregnant and enjoying new babies than no friends at all.
As a personal side note, I want to thank all those that have done all of these things for me. I am surrounded by so many compassionate, loving and thoughtful people in my life. I consider myself very fortunate to almost never encounter unsupportive people that make no attempt to be sensitive to my feelings. So if you are one of those awesome people in my life that is always there for me and has simply done your best, even if you are worried you've said something dumb, thank you for just trying!
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| Me loving on my sweet niece when she was only hours old I'm sure she had said her goodbyes to my sweet Eirlyse that morning. |
Once again I am blown away by you. I am so blessed to call you a friend. I hope that I have only been supportive and haven't caused you any more pain through the last few months. I love you and appreciate you sharing so much on this blog.
ReplyDeleteThis is actually great to read. It's good to get perspective and know what is and isn't good to say. Otherwise we're all just making our best guess on how to approach a potentially difficult conversation. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThanks Abigail for being so open with me and now with the world.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your blog post Abigail! Most of the information and advice you give works really well for someone like me who is struggling with infertility and has never been able to feel what it is like to be pregnant. I say "ditto" to all your words and appreciate you sharing your perspective. Its funny because even though I have gone through 10 years of infertility, I still have a hard time consoling friends who are now going through infertility as well. So this is a great reminder. You are one great lady!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Abigail. So good to know.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you. So so hard. I liked this post, and agreed with a lot of it. I had to comment when I saw you holding your new niece. Shortly after losing our daughter, and only child at the time, our niece was born as well. Many family members acted as if she was supposed to heal our hearts, and all was well again. Any time we mentioned our daughter, they changed the subject towards our niece. Ugh, I'll be honest, it made me do everything in my power to avoid her. To this day, three years later, I'm still not close with her. I think family made it so painful that I put a wall up. Anyway, it's something I'm still working on.
ReplyDeleteBut hang in there. It's hard, I know how sweet Eirlyse consumes your thoughts, and time drags on so incredibly slow. But now, being three years out, (I remember when months seemed like eternity) I feel the grief becomes softer. Not easier, but softer. And I feel that's a huge accomplishment.
Sending lots of love from a mom who understands.
Love,
Ashley Sullenger
(www.sullengers.com)