Worry Not

I have been fortunate to experience mostly worry free pregnancies. During my first pregnancy there was a little bit of concern about how my heart would handle the extra strain, but everything progressed normally and it turned out perfectly. I felt confident that I would bring home a healthy full term baby each time. I never drank a glass of water and laid down on my left side after eating dinner to count kicks. I never went to a doctor's appointment expecting bad news.  

So many times during my pregnancy with Eirlyse I had the impression that I should enjoy being pregnant, really enjoy it. As I first noticed changes to my body I felt happy to be changing. Each ache and pain I felt I was reminded that I should enjoy the journey. At some point along the way I started assuming it was probably because it might be my last pregnancy. Both Tyler and I felt that this little one may complete our family. So enjoy it I did. I felt amazing, beautiful and strong. I didn't mind the growing, even though I had worked so hard to make the opposite happen over the year before I got pregnant.

Looking back I wondered why such a perfect pregnancy had ended so early and abruptly. This led me to wonder how it would have been different if I had known something tragic was in my future. I even felt guilty that I hadn't worried more. I really didn't worry, not even a little bit, about her. I felt so calm and confident throughout the whole pregnancy. I don't ever remember doubting that all was well. Why should I? Each ultrasound showed a perfectly healthy baby and I felt great. 

One day as I felt bad for not worrying more about my little angel, I happened upon a quote by one of my most favorite authors and figures in history. Corie ten Boom was a woman of amazing strength and faith. Her words always inspire me and when I read these words I felt immediate peace: 

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 
― Corrie ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook

This is why I was blessed to not feel worried during my pregnancy. I could have spent the entire pregnancy worried about my baby and what might happen, but it would not have emptied the day she left us from it's sorrows, it simply would have emptied the days I did spend with her from their strength. Strong is exactly how I felt while I carried her.

Now each time my anxiety tries to get the better of me, each time I worry that something bad could happen to somebody else that I love, I remember that quote. Tomorrow will come, and it may hold joys or sorrows, but today I can be strong. Today I can choose to enjoy the gifts that life still holds for me and let tomorrow be what it will be. I feel strong because I have faith in myself, my Heavenly Father and the people that love me, that no matter what sorrows tomorrow may hold, I will make it through. I cannot let worry take that away from me.

Easier said than done, trust me, I KNOW! Tragedy and grief have changed me, and I worry more than I ever have before. Someday I hope to experience pregnancy again, and just the thought of it right now brings me anxiety wondering if somehow I am marked for tragedy. The list of things I worry about gets longer every day, and if I'm not careful it has a way of consuming my every thought. I cannot change my past; it will forever affect the way I view the world. I am all too aware of the sorrows tomorrow might hold, but they will hold them whether I worry about them or not. All I can do is live each day with as much strength as I can muster, and worry robs me of that strength.

Me Feeling Strong

An Angel Named Snowdrop

This journey is not one that we ever wanted to make, but now that we are on it, I feel the need to share some of it with others. I hope that it might help someone on their own journey of loss. Maybe it will help somebody that knows someone that experienced a loss. Maybe it will help those who want to be more aware of this far too common type of loss. Maybe it will just be a place that I gain peace through writing our story.

This story begins about a year ago. The moment I found out I was pregnant with her I knew this pregnancy would be different from my first two. The pregnancy progressed so perfectly. My symptoms were minimal and I felt amazing. She was amazing too. At each ultrasound it was confirmed that everything about her was exactly as it should be.

When we found out she was, in fact, a she we were beyond delighted. We continued to anticipate a picture perfect end to the pregnancy and beginning to our new, more complete family.

Things changed in a matter of hours. One day she was wriggling and squirming around happily in my warm womb, and the next, something was wrong. The story of exactly how it all happened can be found here Our angel came to us with a perfect little body. Her face was the most beautiful thing I had seen in my entire life. Her fingers and toes were perfectly formed. Her hair and skin were so soft I wanted to kiss them constantly. But, for reasons, completely beyond our understanding, her perfect little body stopped working as she made the transition from living inside of me to living outside of me. Our two short days with her were filled with fear and pain, but also with so much love.

Somewhere in it all a name had to be chosen. Like all parents we were very particular. We felt passionate early in the pregnancy that she should have a unique, meaningful but not weird name. Around 20 weeks pregnant, after not feeling like the names we had listed were right for her I searched deeper into names from less used origins. We have ancestors from Wales so when I saw that as an option on my name app I checked it out. Among the names I then sent along to Tyler to read was Eirlyse (We chose to add the 'e' at the end). The name means snowdrop, and both of us felt immediately drawn to it. I was nervous because I wasn't sure if I was pronouncing it correctly and instead of pretty, it might actually be really weird. After some research we determined that our pronunciation was in fact correct and we both felt like Eirlyse (pronounced air-leese) was the perfect name for our first baby girl.

Her name means snowdrop. A snowdrop is a flower that blooms early (really early) in the spring popping up through the snow. They are sweet little white flowers that droop over at the top of their tiny stem. You can read about how we planted these flowers in her memory here.

When she was born, and we knew early on that she would not be staying in her tiny body, we wondered, but only for a moment, if we really wanted to use this name that we loved so much on a baby that would not be coming home with us. Immediately we felt overwhelmed that this was meant to be her name all along, and it is the perfect name for our little angel- Our angel named Snowdrop.

A note about this blog:
You will notice this is not the first published post, but I wrote it as if it was. The other existing posts were taken from my personal family blog, but after a few weeks I realized that I wanted a place to share this part of my life separately and with a wider audience.

My vision is that in the future others that would like to will have the opportunity to post their stories here as well so that this will become a place to read about the many experiences of families that have lost their tiniest loved ones. I hope to have a variety of perspectives so that it can be helpful to many that encounter this kind of loss either of their own child or of somebody else close to them. I don't intend for it to be only a place of doom and gloom. I hope that joyful stories of hope and peace through the pain will be shared as well.

Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day

For the first 30 years of my life, today was a day like any other. I remember my life before loss, even though it seems a lifetime ago. I remember Tyler sharing sad stories from work about moms that lost babies very late in their pregnancies and thinking my heart hurt so bad just hearing about it, how could a person ever live through that. Now I know the feeling for myself.

Today I remember not only my sweet angel, but all the babies, gone before they really came and missed desperately by the parents that happily and anxiously waited for their arrival. It is a loss like no other I have experienced, and I am so sorry to all others that have had to walk this road. 

I wanted to share how we remembered our Eirlyse today. I am determined that her memory will be with me and my family forever!

A few weeks ago my mom went to a few local greenhouses to track down Snowdrops for my little Snowdrop. Eirlyse means Snowdrop, and we are certain that this name was really meant to be for her. It suits her sweet spirit and short time on earth perfectly. Like the flowers, she arrived early- pure, fresh and perfect.

To honor Eirlyse we planted snowdrop bulbs today in our front yard and (don't tell the folks at the cemetery) on her grave. They will bloom VERY early next spring popping right up out of the snow. By the time mowing season arrives they will be just like the other blades of grass. I am so excited to see them bloom next spring as our living reminder of our angel.

After Eirlyse passed away a sweet friend of our parents, who has also experienced infant loss and is an amazing artist, offered to draw Eirlyse. What an amazing gift she has given us. We received the beautiful drawing a few weeks ago and today we officially hung it up in the boy's playroom so she is there with them always. I can't even begin to express how this beautiful work of art warms my heart each time I see it.

Earlier this week Tyler's mom gave us a Christmas ornament to remember Eirlyse. Baby's first Christmas ornaments are a tradition of hers to each new grand-baby, and Eirlyse needed one as well. We selected a very special one for her and today I put a picture inside the locket so that it is ready to hang on our tree. I think I will buy or make an ornament each year to remember our angel, and I'm so grateful for this first one that was a gift from Grandma and Grandpa. Eirlyse is so loved, and will always be remembered!

Thank you to anybody that had us and our sweet baby Eirlyse in their hearts today. We feel so fortunate to have so many wonderful family members and friends that have offered love and support!

Snowdrop image credit: http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/naturelibrary/images/ic/credit/640x395/g/ga/galanthus_nivalis/galanthus_nivalis_1.jpg